What it took to finally let go…

Some of you might be here after coming across my website through a google search or perhaps you’re here after reading my instagram post after a story I did a few days prior when I was asked if I’m going to race XCO competitively again.

Either way, welcome!

To answer the question: Will I be racing XCO competitively again? At this stage, I will not be. I have also moved away from full training too. The beginning of my downfall started in 2019 when I got back into triathlons, then into cycling during the lockdown period doing an insurmountable amount of km’s or miles if you’re American to then transitioning to MTB in February of 2023.

The Comeback That Sparked It All

In 2019, I embarked on a transformative journey back into endurance sports after coming back from a suicidal attempt linked to longstanding mental health challenges, with a PTSD diagnosis in 2018 during my admittance to a mental ward facility. I had an incredibly successful year qualifying for the World Championships at sprint distance within four months of my return and achieving much success racing QLD Tri Series. I did endure an injury, specifically Iliotibial Band Syndrome (ITBS) which derailed my World Championship campaign and the rest of the year. Despite acquiring a physio the injury resurfaced after a month. At the end of year I had it in my mind that I wanted to go up two distances to race a 70.3 (Half Ironman) in 2020.

I concluded the year at sprint distance before diving straight into my half ironman prep all the while still being plagued by my injury. At the time I was apart of a triathlon team named MX Endurance where I met current physiotherapist and good friend Brad Beer from Pogo Physio. He went through me with a fine tooth comb, 12 weeks later I was back running 100%, pain free running better than ever. Now I could train properly!

To give some context. During the preparation for my debut these were my weekly figures for a solid 18 weeks. Although the training hours remained roughly similar to sprint distance, slightly more for 70.3 , the specificity of the sessions shifted.

• 10km swimming average

• 400km riding average

• 50km running average

Don’t forget that I already had huge year with training and racing. Away we went, no rest or off season, straight into the preparation. For the most part it went smooth despite being involved with two hit n runs. One, training at home and another in Frankston, Melbourne, just SIX DAYS BEFORE THE RACE! Two weeks prior to the race I suffered with slight pain of peroneal tendonitis in my foot. I did managed it and eventually came good. Thankfully!! The Frankston hit n run I was involved in my bike was a write off which prompted a highly stressful search for a new bike!! The guys at Total Rush Cycling in Richmond came to rescue and sorted me bike within two days which was delivered from a different store. I have never had a proper bike fit for a timetrial bike prior, and of course the first day I got to properly ride it was on race day. I wont mention the race result as it went to shit 5km into run leg due to my back seizing from the new position that ultimately left me in a wheelchair at the finish line. The only decent thing to come out of that was the swim leg which I absolutely smashed on debut! given I grew up in the pool going to swim squads I wasn’t all that surprised either. I returned home and continued to train for upcoming 70.3 events that I eyed off only to be then interrupted by the pandemic lockdowns.

The Pandemic Years: From Triathlon to Obsession:

As everything shut down the only thing I could do was ride my bike. I stopped running due to being highly prone to injuries, and with gyms closed I didn’t want to keep running, get injured and be left with something I cant fix. Truthfully, where I was mentally the enthusiasm for triathlon began to subside, overshadowed by consistent plague of aches and pains from historical injuries. The more I rode, the more I enjoyed it.

Soon enough I began cycling full time. In the beginning it was great! no injuries, aches or pains! Yet, the more I rode, the obsession with power numbers, w/kg, developed an unhealthy relationship with food, weight scales and a toxic comparison relationship became the centre of everything. I am not one to be easily persuaded but when it’s about performance (at the time) I was willing to do anything which was incredibly naive! I would use my age (early 20’s) as an excuse for not knowing but I was just an idiot to believe what I saw and heard.

I fell prey to the decades long-standing notion that being lighter was better and faster, and not just in cycling specifics it carries through to everyday life via body image, food and weight, a highly toxic outlook exacerbated by the media. I naturally walked around mid to mid high 60kg but wanted to be lighter so I resorted to extreme measures dropping 6-7kg through starvation. I became obsessed with checking my weight a dozen times a day before and after eating or lack-thereof. I also adopted a vegetarian diet and it fucked me up. My training volume accumulated to 550km per week over the course of 3 years without sufficient recovery weeks or off-seasons. I could count on one hand how many weeks I had off… Most rides I wouldn’t eat beforehand, I barely ate during rides nor consume adequate hydration despite knowing my sweat rate that is an average 2 litres an hour. A religious addiction that lasted through 2020, 2021 and 2022. At the end of 2022 I forced myself to have a legitimate 8 week off-season break.

On top of my training schedule I was working for Coles at the local Westfield shopping centre and we all know the size of their absurd centres. My role was the driver going around collecting trolleys which was extremely physical. The shifts were 10hrs long during the year, and closer to the christmas period add another few hrs. As a driver you operate solo for the entire shift then from about 5:30 in the afternoon those who you see walking in and out putting the trolleys in the bay inside go home so I was left do their jobs which is typically a job of 4, doing it solo in addition to my own until closing which is at 9pm. Therefore, looking at it in its entirety I am operating on less than half of the recommended hours of sleep, I’m barely eating, riding an average 550km per week, additionally to lengthy physical shifts as a solo operator….

RED-S, Burnout, and Breaking Point

As a result, the repercussions of that lead to Relative Energy Deficiency in Sport (RED-S). Additionally, it further lead to an array of health complications. Despite no longer starving myself mid-way through 2022, comfortably eating, eating healthily and enjoying the odd splurge on artery blocking foods. However, the damage inflicted, the after effects prolonged into my training, racing and my general overall health and well-being. I became boarder bipolar and my relationships with people suffered greatly, burning many bridges along the way especially with one of my coaches. At the time, I didn’t take any self-accountability and shifted the blame to others as to why I was failing. Eventually, like with my mental health I couldn’t run from it anymore and I seriously needed to address the point at issue. I soon rectified my actions after much reflection with a written apologies.

60-61kg starvation

The Road Culture That Ruined Me

During my time as a road cyclist the toxic comparison consumed everything. I never took time off because I was afraid of losing fitness. I’d measure my self-worth against world level riders and I remember saying to myself if I can achieve “x w/kg” or “x power numbers” I was good enough. Every session no matter what I was infatuated with making sure I hit certain performance metrics, leading me into a deeper hole of a self-destruction mindset. I can be extremely stubborn and refused to listen to anything people who were close said to me because I was hell-bent on obtaining those numbers because going to Europe was a huge goal of mine, not taking anything else into consideration. This self-inflicted pressure to performed became incredibly overwhelming and when I didn’t achieve it which was 95% of the time, the other 5% of it was purely bad luck. I really began to lose myself. I began to lose sight of what sport is truly meant for. I also know and believe in myself that I genuinely wasn’t any good at road cycling anyway and that it wasn’t my thing. Ultimately, that relentless pursuit led to burnout, but it also paved the way for a new beginning when I was introduced to MTB at the beginning of 2023, which really became my saving grace.

MTB Changed Everything:

Upon having my data reviewed, it became evident that I possessed world class short term power for cross country mountain biking (XCO MTB). Again, performance benchmarks became the topic of discussion but not in the way that it fully consumed me prior. I worked hard on that mindset and for the first time I didn’t care specifically about the numbers or the things that brought total annihilation to both sides of the spectrum. The other component to XCO MTB is the skills component. I was introduced to the greatest coach I could have ever wished for teaching me the right way. I often get asked how had I gotten so fast in such a short period of time? I always reply: the time someone might spend on the trails in 10-15 years I did in my first year. I have now been riding 2.5 years.

However, what people don’t know is that I had an extremely comprehensive online program that was set up for me to follow and did so with maximal intent. I too had private sessions but nowhere near the amount you might think! I drummed into my brain what I think are the 4 fundamentals to MTB: body positioning, wheelies, manuals and bunnyhops. I learned each component properly before moving on the next. I didn’t rush my progression. Every spare second I had I either spent it on a grass oval or on the trails in a real world application, additionally enhancing all my the other skills too.

The results came thick and fast, and the fitness carried over from road cycling was a bonus so in many ways not a total waste! My plan for the first year was simple: race as much as I can to get the experience because I had lofty goals still wanting to pursue the childhood dream of turning professional. I knew once I found MTB I found my thing. At the time, I was following an extremely intense training program combined with a demanding race schedule. In hindsight, it was a recipe for burnout. I didn’t know any better and assumed that’s just how MTB programs were structured. I put my trust in the process and the people guiding it, but unfortunately, it wasn’t the right fit for me.

By the end of the season I was completely spent physically, mentally, and emotionally. After taking six weeks off I was feeling refreshed, ready to come back and by this point I was offered a assistant coaching position with Ride Technics. I thought about it for quite some time and realised the good I could do with it due to my background in mental health eventually saying yes. I ended the year strong with restored energy, passion, and now a WHY.

As I resumed training late 2023 and stepped into my coaching role I was feeling really positive about the year ahead. I was quickly thrown in the deep end as head coach in 2024. I also went to the Tasmanian Institute of Sport for some lab testing which yield really good results putting me in a good position for upcoming key races. It was all looking good then I started feeling that something wasn’t right but it also felt no different to what I had encountered previously. When you’ve felt like shit for a long time deciphering the difference proved a tumultuous task.

I reached a point where the data might’ve shown fitness, but my body and brain were screaming for rest. I did a race that was one hour long, got through half of it and pulled out. I knew then something was really wrong. Two weeks out from Australian Titles I was diagnosed Epstein Barr Virus (EBV), abruptly bringing my entire year of racing and training including plans to go to Europe to a halt. I removed all expectations of when I was going to take to the start line again. I had some blood tests done and the results revealed dangerously low iron and ferritin and the only way to troubleshoot the issue iron infusions were only option. Deep down I was fucking dirty but accepted the diagnosis and transferred all my attention to coaching. It was really was my life line.

For the next 6 months proved to be a battle n’ a half. My Central Nervous System (CNS) was fried. My body struggled to regulate its temperature which really affected my blood pressure. My resting heart rate (RHR) sat 50 beats higher than usual, and some days I couldn’t walk 100 meters without getting dizzy and falling over. I found myself sleeping 13hrs throughout the night and another 2-3hrs during the day before heading to coaching. While riding at coaching my heart rate was frighteningly high for doing very minimal and easy riding.

The more I coached the more I fell in love with it and the plans I had I started letting go of the personal plans I once held. I am a believer in everything happens for a reason and now as I fully engage in something that transcends my individual self, I am experiencing profound joy. I know I have truly found my purpose, what I was put on this planet to do. The fact that it has arrived in the form of coaching MTB is something I would have never predicted.

Finding my passion has presented opportunities to get excited because it brings unique possibilities of what could be. It has had a significant impact on my mental health. It has provided me with so much more than anything ever has, and above all it has given me what I’ve coveted for: an identity, a sense of purpose for something greater than myself. I want to continue to inspire the community with my story and to give back to the next generation. Ultimately, giving them a reason to live, not just today but every-day.

2024 was truly the year for recovering but also a breakthrough year into the next phase of my life. Mid-way through the year I produced a documentary that opened up new avenues to be more heavily involved with coaching. In the continuation of coaching it has allowed me to embark on projects that I have long envisioned with several already in progress. Additionally, this year I also undertook a change with my gym program from performance to longevity. I have suffered a great deal of injuries throughout my life and despite still being young I am fully dedicated to cultivating a healthy body that will keep me strong as I age. I have learned an incredible amount about myself, about balance, whats important and knowing what it really means to have passion and meaning for the things you do.

I often look back and never quite realised how much of my life was driven by proving that I was enough, not just to myself but others as well. I do a lot of self-reflection and realise a lot of it stems from my childhood filled with trauma. I chased power, performance and prestige but in doing so I broke myself during the process. I sacrificed my sleep, my health, relationships all in the pursuit of a version of success that I thought would finally bring me peace. Stepping away from racing gifted me something competition never did: clarity. Not just about sport, but about who I am and why I’m here. I now understand that the pain and challenges I went through had purpose, that I didn’t go through it for nothing. It shaped me. It stripped away ego, illusion, and an unhealthy identity. All of what remained was purpose.

Coaching isn’t just about what I do. It’s who I am as a person. In that, I have found healing, meaning, purpose and my why. Not for a finish line, not for performance metrics, but for the next generation and doing my best to inspire one life at a time. For the kids who might be quietly suffering like I once did. Everyday I aim to be the coach I never had, to be the role model or that someone I wish I had to look up to. To be the one that sees the human before the athlete and knowing everything I’ve been through will have been worth it. I no longer crave the validation that comes from being "elite." I crave connection. I crave meaning. I crave the why. I crave contribution. I seek the pride that comes from helping someone else realise what they’re capable of whether that’s on the bike or within themselves.

This is nowhere close to the end of my story! It’s just the start of a new chapter. One where the measurement of success isn’t through performance metrics, food or weight scales or results, but impact. Where the driving force isn’t pressure but purpose.

So no, I will not be racing XCO competitively at this stage. Even away from pinning on a number I’ve never felt more in the game.

I’ll see you out on trails or spectating a race nearby soon :)

Thanks for reading!

— Zack